About a year ago I remember sitting in sunday school. The lesson was about repentence. One of the steps to repenting was forgiveness. If we cannot forgive ourselves and others than we cannot expect to be forgiven. I felt a lump in my chest. Everyone agreed with the teacher and I just got frustrated. Why is it so easy for everyone to just simply forgive the people that have done them wrong. Just because you verbally say I forgive you does not mean that you have done so in your heart. How was I ever going to be forgiven of my sins if one of the requirements is to forgive those who have hurt me? I wanted so badly to forgive everyone. I hated being angry and hurt and resentul. I really truly did not want to hate anyone. The fact is that I did hate and no matter how much I wanted to move on I simply couldn't. As I sat there in sunday school I felt very trapped. I can make all of the physical changes necessary to be forgiven but how am I going to make the emotional changes needed? How can I free myself of my own mental prison?
I got some council from one of my church leaders that changed my perception on things quite a bit. He told me that he had a very hard time forgiving his own father for the things he had done to him and his mother while he was a boy. He is an old man now but he still finds himself getting angry for past experiences. For the most part he has moved on and has learned to love his father. However, he still struggles at times to forgive him of everything. He explained that forgiving people is not something that happens all at once. It is a life long process and some things can be almost impossible to forgive. Some of us have to make an effort every day to let go of the past and truly try to forgive. The important thing is that we try. He counciled me to pray for the ones that I cannot forgive. If you pray for someone long enough eventually you will care for them and want the best for them regardless of any wrong doings. It was very relieving to find that a man as great and wonderful as he has a hard time forgiving as well. He's struggled with it for his whole life. I took what he said to heart and I started praying for those who had done me wrong. I prayed that I might have it in me to forgive and remember that I am not perfect and there are people out there that I have wronged and I hope they can find it in them to forgive me as well. Slowly but surely it started to work.
This morning I talked to Chris on the phone. I found that I actually wanted things to be going well for him. He was kind and respectful. He never got mad and he wasn't being manipulative. It was a breath of fresh air. Don't worry, I have no intention of getting back with him. It was just awesome to care about him. He is taking care of his autistic daughter now and I think she will force him to grow even more. I respect the work he has done and is doing to better himself. I gotta say that I still don't love him anymore but I do want what's best for him and his daughter. It is so freeing to not be angry anymore. Life is so much happier when you care about everyone regardless of any wrong doings. I know that I will still have moments that make me angry. I will still have nights where I stay up thinking about all the things that could be better if he never did some of the things he did. I'm ok with the fact that this will take me a lifetime to completely be rid of any bad feelings and I understand that forgiveness is not something you say you will do and than you just do it. It takes work, lots and lots of work.
I can testify that if you work at it you will feel like a burden has been lifted and you will be so much happier. Please don't beat yourself up if you feel like it is not possible to forgive or you just don't want to right now. Please understand that it's ok if you're simply not able to do so right here and right now. Please try to work on it though. I will get off my soap box and stop trying to preach to you all. I just hope this can help someone feel a little better about the forgiveness process, I know it has helped me a lot. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can see it now.
