After I was robbed and nearly raped at 7-eleven I had to go to a psychiatrist in order to get workers compensation. She had to tell them that I was mentally unable to go back to work. I didn't enjoy going to therapy and I didn't feel like it helped. But I convinced her I was crazy so I got my workers comp. :-) She diagnosed me with PTSD. I laughed. POW's get PTSD. Not people like me. I served one tour to Germany. While I did see a lot of war casualties since I worked at the hospital it was not nearly enough to suffer from PTSD. I felt like I would be insulting soldiers who had been down range and watched their buddies blown to pieces, I would be insulting women who had not just had an attempted rape but were raped, sometimes repeatedly. Kids in foster care who have seen and experienced unthinkable things, refugees from Africa who watched their whole family slaughtered right before their eyes. Those are the people that deserve to say they have PTSD. I have hardly given it a second thought in all these years.
More recently I started having very vivid dreams reliving fights and feelings I had with Chris. I wake up angry, hateful and extremely hurt just like I did while I was with him. This is very frustrating because I've worked so hard to move on and forgive and get over it. I started to care for him and his welfare again. I finally got to the point where I didn't want him to get hit by a bus. Why am I having all these vivid dreams causing me to relive all the feelings I once had? About a week ago something in the house woke me up. That wasn't unusual. I frequently have anxiety at night and little things wake me up easily and I have a hard time calming down and getting back to sleep. This time when I woke up scared I was sure someone was breaking into my house. I was back on 2909 Taft St in Texas. Not only was someone going to break in but they were going to hurt me. I was a sitting duck just waiting for something terrible to happen. I started to have a panic attack and I couldn't breath or move. I was waiting for Brandy to start barking and scare the intruder away. She never did. It felt like I laid there for an eternity frozen and scared before reality finally started to sink in. I haven't lived on Taft St in 6 years. Brandy has been gone for 3 years. I'm in a safe house in a safe neighborhood and if anyone was trying to break in my dogs would be going crazy. I finally calmed down enough to move and when I did I felt Kiana sleeping next to me. Oh yeah! I have kids now!
This was something completely different than anything I had ever felt. It wasn't a dream. I was wide awake and my mind literally went back 6 years in time to the worst time of my life and I didn't know where I lived, didn't know I had kids, didn't know I was single now. It was terrifying. After the attempted rape I caught the guy who did it and he went to prison for 25 years since it was his third felony. His friends approached me afterwards and told me that they heard what I did to their friend. That one sentence instilled more fear in me than anything else I can think of. His friends knew I was responsible for putting him away. They knew where I lived and they lived right around the corner from me. They knew what I drove and they knew that I was left alone from 4 am until 9 am every morning while Chris was at PT and meetings. I never slept during those hours. I laid there waiting for his friends to break into my house. I waited for them to get their revenge. This time they wouldn't let me get away. They wouldn't let me live after doing what they wanted with me. They wouldn't give me the chance to call the cops and help put them in prison. I never slept while I lived in that house or that town. I still have a hard time sleeping.
I started thinking back on why I had this experience where I went back in time, the dreams I kept having where I relived fights I had with Chris, the anxiety and panic attacks I get when I go to a neighborhood that reminds of the hood, the stereotyping I do when I see people that remind me of the scum I lived amongst. Than it finally hit me that the psycho lady was right. These are the symptoms of PTSD. I have PTSD. It feels good to say that without any apologies. I have PTSD.
There doesn't seem to be one defining moment that caused it. It seems to be the whole 2 years that I lived in Texas that caused it. All the events, drama, and tragedy that took place in such a short period of time proved to be too much for my mind to take in. 90 % of the time I am 100% fine. This seems to be a pretty mild case. It doesn't prevent me from working, going out, making friends, or functioning in general. The anxiety attacks are pretty calm and almost no one sees it happen. I'm not really sure where I go from here but I think I'll be going up.
