Temporary check out of motherhood

I wasn't able to find anybody willing to watch Tristan for a few minutes and put him down for a nap while I went to church. I knew from experience that taking Tristan and Kiana to church meant I would get nothing from it. I would spend 3 hours chasing Tristan and trying to get Kiana to be quiet. At least Kiana could go to nursery after the first hour but Tristan would have to stay with me the whole time. Ahhh, what the heck! I guess I'll give it a try.
 Tristans latest game is to do everything he can to get away from where ever I want him to be. If he see's me with a fresh diaper he takes off running so I can't change him. If he see's me with food and his sippy full of juice he takes off running. He will be so thirsty and so hungery but he still runs away simply because he knows I want him to eat. So if he knows I want him to sit in Sunday school with me he makes it his number one mission to try and escape the class room. Infact if I were to sum it up I would have to say that his overall mission in life is to try and make my life as difficult as possible.
Now to my sweet angel Kiana. With her it is constant whining. No matter how much I try to get her to talk like a normal person she always falls back on whining. She is one of the most hard headed little girls I know. It is a constant power struggle between me and her. She throws tantrums like you've never seen before. She will sit in time out for half the day and still not seem to get that her life would be much more pleasant if she would just cooperate with me for once. Even my mother who has raised 13 children always says "I have never seen a toddler as stubborn as this one!"
You can imagine how well church was going for me. We sat in the foyer and spent the hour chasing Tristan up and down the hallways. He even made it into a few classrooms full of people laughing and giggling. Meanwhile Kiana was whining because she wanted a treat or because Tristan was touching her or taking her crayons. She had to use the bathroom two times during that hour even though she went potty right before we left. I would hold Tristan with one hand and help Kiana pull down her tights and than pull them up when she was done all while I'm trying to balance in rediculous heels that no mother of two little kids should be wearing. I love these heels and I've only worn them once before. The last time I wore them I swore I would never attempt that again while I have little kids. Now I'm wondering why I attempted it again. I know why I did though, I did it because everyonce in a while I want to feel like I can still do some of the things I use to do before kids. I would sit back on the couch when I got the kids rounded up and I would do it all with a smile because the father sitting across from me seemed to think my kids were adorable and I didn't want to let on how frustrated I was. I wanted anyone who saw me think that I was doing nothing more than loving motherhood.
In my head I was screaming. In my head I was wondering why I'm even here, I haven't heard a thing the speakers have talked about. In my head I had decided the first hour was all I could handle with both the kids. I would take Kiana to nursery and than I will run home and put Tristan down for a nap. I will come back to church kid free and able to enjoy the remaining two hours. Maybe I will even feel the spirit. I'm feeling something right now but I think it is the furthest thing from the spirit you can get.
Finally the first hour had ended and it was time to take Kiana to nursery. Of course she wanted to go potty again before she went. Once again I held Tristan with one hand and tried to help Kiana with the other. When I needed both my hands I put Tristan down for a second on the bathroom floor. It was just enough time for him to crawl part way under the other stall and give the poor lady using it a surprise. I leave Kiana for a second and grab Tristan. It was just enough time for her to shut her stall door and lock it so she can go potty by herself. I look up and the bathroom now has a line full of women waiting. Kiana should be done by now but she's messing around in her privately locked stall. I look through the gap in the stall door and see her taking the lid off the tank and than desperately trying to keep it from falling of the floor. I'm doing everything I can to not yell at her and calmly tell her to unlock the door right now. She finally unlocks it and with my one free hand I reach in and grab her arm and pull her out so someone else can use the bathroom. Her tights and underwear are still around her ankles and she lays on the floor to throw a tantrum in the middle of everyone and her bare but for all to see. All the women look at me in disgust as if I was a total failure when it comes to parenting. All of them exept one, she offers to hold Tristan for me so I can get control of Kiana. I get her dressed and wash her hands and than I take Tristan back. As I see everyone staring at me and I feel a huge lump in my chest. My face turns dark red and I'm now fighting back tears. Why am I going to cry!? This isn't new to me. It's not like this has been my first hard day. I deal with these kids all the time. Yet, I'm about to cry. I run out in the hallway to get away from the staring eyes. I drop Kiana off at nursery and tell the leader that I will be running Tristan home for a nap. She's fine with it and I am now doing everything I can to not sprint out of the church doors. I make it outside and now I have tears streaming down my face before I even get Tristan into the car. Once we are buckled in I break down completely and start crying uncontrolably. I try to figure out why the heck I'm crying and I do figure it out. I'm crying because I'm tired and worn out. I'm angry no one would babysit Tristan even for a few minutes. I'm angry that thier dad is out playing and doing whatever he wants while I take care of his kids. I'm crying because I'm tired of people looking at my out of control kids thinking they would do a better job. I'm angry at everyone who has ever told me I don't know what if feels like to really be a single parent because I have lived with my mother for the last year. I'm angry at everyone who thinks my job is easy and I have it made. Long story short, I'm angry at everything and everyone.
I finally get home and lay Tristan down in his crib. I collapse on my bed and decide I will go back to church once I have calmed down and it's not so obvious that I've been crying like a baby over nothing. An hour and a half later I wake up. Oh no what have I done? I left Kiana at church with the nursery leaders and completely checked out of motherhood. At least I did not sleep past church and I still have time to go pick her up. Hopefully she didn't need to go potty or need me for any reason. Hopefully the leaders don't realize that I have abandoned her and not come back. When I go pick her up she is totally fine. The leader did take her potty without me and she didn't seem to mind that I was not there incase anything had happened. I unintentionally had a temporary check out of motherhood and everything is fine.
I am still tired and slightly annoyed but the little nap I had has helped very much. I have a day off tomorrow so I will spend it playing with my kids and getting a few things done. Tomorrow I will have lots and lots of great things to say about my little angels but today I am tired and that is ok. At least I think it's ok.

Single Forever?

Do you remember the first time you fell in love? Of course you do, no one forgets their first. Do you remember what it felt like to think that you could never live without that person? Some of us got lucky and married our first loves, high school sweethearts or person we had our first kiss with. However, most of us had our hearts broken a time or two. It took a lot of us some trial and error before we got it right and some of us (like myself) still haven't got it right.
When I wrote the article called Life After Divorce, I really was happy with myself. I was happy knowing that I could be perfectly content alone and I was very happy knowing that you can move on after anything or anyone. It is empowering to know that you no longer HAVE to be with someone. You know you can make it by yourself so you know you will never settle for less than what you deserve again. Maybe I have taken that a little too far....
I really cannot imagine a person that could make me feel like I could never live without them. That mindset has been destroyed. I have doubts about everyone I get close to. I remember what it felt like to fall in love and never want to be alone again. I remember what it felt like to believe in happily ever after. I remember what it felt like to be able to put all of your trust into one person. I remember what it felt like to be blind and not see any faults or red flags. I will never get that back again. I'm still glad that I know there is life after heartbreak. I'm still glad to know that my kids and I are going to be just fine. Sometimes I wish I was capable of living a fantasy. Sometimes I wish life was like a movie that has a happy ending. Sometimes I wish I could still be naive and think that the fairy tale is possible. Sometimes I'm so angry that the trust and total faith in people has been destroyed. It can't be taken back. Once you have seen what the world is capable of you can never undo it.
What makes it really hard is knowing that my kids deserve more. My kids deserve two parents that love them unconditionally. They deserve to know what a real dad is and not think that every man in his twenties or thirties is dad. Kiana see's her cousins call there own dad and she does not understand that each child is supposed to have a specific dad. She really thinks that it's a title given to anyone in a certain age range. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. On the other hand I know that I cannot marry the wrong person simply because my kids need a dad. I know LOTS of kids that would be better off with only one of their parents. My kids have so many people that love them so much. They may not have a real father but they are not short on love. I really do believe that one day my kids and I will live the fantasy. We will complete our little family. Until that day I will do the best I can to give them everything they need. I will make sure they know without a doubt that they always have a home full of love to come to. I will make sure I always provide a safe place for them when the world wants to beat them down. I will not be perfect. I will make lots of mistakes but I will do the best I can for them.
One day I may even believe in fairy tales again. One day someone might make me think I could never be alone again. I don't think it will happen anytime soon though. Single and I seem to get along just fine for now.