Many of you know that my ex came into town not too long ago. It had been 4 years since I had seen him. I was incredibly nervous, anxious and just wanted to get it over with. Tristan was a little shy at first. Chris played some pic-a-boo with him and his shyness completely went away. Kiana ran off the school bus and didn't even bother saying hi to me. She ran right past me and started yelling for dad. She ran into his arms and gave him a huge hug. It was as if he had been around the whole time. He filled in a hole that the dogs kept digging and he played with the kids while I showered. I realized this might not be so bad after all. The kids love him, he's being incredibly helpful and he's respectful. He came to Kiana's tumbling class and was very social with all the other tumbling parents. He videotaped her class and she kept looking over and waving at him to make sure he was still watching. He was having such a good time with them that I suggested he try to change his flight plans and stay longer. When I suggested it earlier he had not even given it a second thought. Once he met the kids he tried really hard to extend his trip but it was just gonna be too expensive. After the tumbling class we went shopping for Kiana's party and he paid for all of it and he bought the kids whichever toy they wanted I've never seen my kids so happy and excited. You could tell they just
seemed complete. Like they finally had everything that every other kid
got. It's hard to express the joy that they felt.
This was a side of him I had never seen before. I started to long for that fantasy I held onto for so many years again. The fantasy where he's a good, chivalrous, respectful, family man. This was something I so desperately wanted for so many years. I have never been so passionate about anything else in my life. I just knew that if I tried harder, loved more and gave everything I had that eventually he would become that man. It never happened. Now all these years later it's like he finally flipped the switch. I watched my old fantasy play out in front of me and for a short time I desperately wanted it again. I keep reminding myself that it's not him I want, it's the fantasy I want. I had to keep reminding myself that getting back together with him will only lead to hurt, pain, betrayal, drama and lies. I couldn't and still can't believe these old thoughts are even running through my mind when it wasn't very long ago that I wanted him to die a very slow, painful death. Okay that was a little dramatic but you get the point.
The most frustrating realization was when I realized I have never felt this way about anyone else in my life. No matter how good the guy is the passion I once felt for Chris isn't there. Sure I get infatuated once in a while and when the hormones wear off I have nothing left for them. I have no desire to make anything work with them. How can I not feel anything for good, decent guys but still have these old feelings for the man that has hurt me more than anyone else ever has or even could? Do I have a mental disorder? There is seriously something wrong with me. I have issues. It feels as if I fell in love with Chris at a time when I was still naive, gullible and still believed in fairy tales. I was able to be vulnerable and open my heart up. He took that part of me when I left. I seem incapable of feeling that way again. I want to be vulnerable, I want to put my heart on the line, I want to have my happily ever after but for some reason I can't meet anyone that makes me bring my walls down....... except Chris. He still brings those feelings out in me even though I choose not to act on them. I must be broken.
The correct answer is that I'm not broken, I just haven't met the right guy. I really hope that is the case but I can't help but be doubtful. How do you let yourself fall in love again once your eyes have been opened and you no longer believe in fairy tales?
My own mother who seems to have a very healthy marriage said "If I had known what marriage would've been like I would have gone down the aisle in fear and trembling." It seems we only get married because we don't know any better. I have dozens of friends that have been divorced and are able to find love again. Or at least in appears that way. I can't help but wonder if they are forcing it. Recently someone asked "How many times has your heart been broken?" on a singles fb forum. I couldn't believe how many people answered 2 or 3 times, 5 times, even countless times. How do they do it? How do they keep allowing their heart to be broken? I admit that I have been disappointed many times but my heart has only ever been truly broken one time. I don't know how to allow it to be broken more than that. I am broken.
