Many of you know that my ex came into town not too long ago. It had been 4 years since I had seen him. I was incredibly nervous, anxious and just wanted to get it over with. Tristan was a little shy at first. Chris played some pic-a-boo with him and his shyness completely went away. Kiana ran off the school bus and didn't even bother saying hi to me. She ran right past me and started yelling for dad. She ran into his arms and gave him a huge hug. It was as if he had been around the whole time. He filled in a hole that the dogs kept digging and he played with the kids while I showered. I realized this might not be so bad after all. The kids love him, he's being incredibly helpful and he's respectful. He came to Kiana's tumbling class and was very social with all the other tumbling parents. He videotaped her class and she kept looking over and waving at him to make sure he was still watching. He was having such a good time with them that I suggested he try to change his flight plans and stay longer. When I suggested it earlier he had not even given it a second thought. Once he met the kids he tried really hard to extend his trip but it was just gonna be too expensive. After the tumbling class we went shopping for Kiana's party and he paid for all of it and he bought the kids whichever toy they wanted I've never seen my kids so happy and excited. You could tell they just
seemed complete. Like they finally had everything that every other kid
got. It's hard to express the joy that they felt.
This was a side of him I had never seen before. I started to long for that fantasy I held onto for so many years again. The fantasy where he's a good, chivalrous, respectful, family man. This was something I so desperately wanted for so many years. I have never been so passionate about anything else in my life. I just knew that if I tried harder, loved more and gave everything I had that eventually he would become that man. It never happened. Now all these years later it's like he finally flipped the switch. I watched my old fantasy play out in front of me and for a short time I desperately wanted it again. I keep reminding myself that it's not him I want, it's the fantasy I want. I had to keep reminding myself that getting back together with him will only lead to hurt, pain, betrayal, drama and lies. I couldn't and still can't believe these old thoughts are even running through my mind when it wasn't very long ago that I wanted him to die a very slow, painful death. Okay that was a little dramatic but you get the point.
The most frustrating realization was when I realized I have never felt this way about anyone else in my life. No matter how good the guy is the passion I once felt for Chris isn't there. Sure I get infatuated once in a while and when the hormones wear off I have nothing left for them. I have no desire to make anything work with them. How can I not feel anything for good, decent guys but still have these old feelings for the man that has hurt me more than anyone else ever has or even could? Do I have a mental disorder? There is seriously something wrong with me. I have issues. It feels as if I fell in love with Chris at a time when I was still naive, gullible and still believed in fairy tales. I was able to be vulnerable and open my heart up. He took that part of me when I left. I seem incapable of feeling that way again. I want to be vulnerable, I want to put my heart on the line, I want to have my happily ever after but for some reason I can't meet anyone that makes me bring my walls down....... except Chris. He still brings those feelings out in me even though I choose not to act on them. I must be broken.
The correct answer is that I'm not broken, I just haven't met the right guy. I really hope that is the case but I can't help but be doubtful. How do you let yourself fall in love again once your eyes have been opened and you no longer believe in fairy tales?
My own mother who seems to have a very healthy marriage said "If I had known what marriage would've been like I would have gone down the aisle in fear and trembling." It seems we only get married because we don't know any better. I have dozens of friends that have been divorced and are able to find love again. Or at least in appears that way. I can't help but wonder if they are forcing it. Recently someone asked "How many times has your heart been broken?" on a singles fb forum. I couldn't believe how many people answered 2 or 3 times, 5 times, even countless times. How do they do it? How do they keep allowing their heart to be broken? I admit that I have been disappointed many times but my heart has only ever been truly broken one time. I don't know how to allow it to be broken more than that. I am broken.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
I Have PTSD
After I was robbed and nearly raped at 7-eleven I had to go to a psychiatrist in order to get workers compensation. She had to tell them that I was mentally unable to go back to work. I didn't enjoy going to therapy and I didn't feel like it helped. But I convinced her I was crazy so I got my workers comp. :-) She diagnosed me with PTSD. I laughed. POW's get PTSD. Not people like me. I served one tour to Germany. While I did see a lot of war casualties since I worked at the hospital it was not nearly enough to suffer from PTSD. I felt like I would be insulting soldiers who had been down range and watched their buddies blown to pieces, I would be insulting women who had not just had an attempted rape but were raped, sometimes repeatedly. Kids in foster care who have seen and experienced unthinkable things, refugees from Africa who watched their whole family slaughtered right before their eyes. Those are the people that deserve to say they have PTSD. I have hardly given it a second thought in all these years.
More recently I started having very vivid dreams reliving fights and feelings I had with Chris. I wake up angry, hateful and extremely hurt just like I did while I was with him. This is very frustrating because I've worked so hard to move on and forgive and get over it. I started to care for him and his welfare again. I finally got to the point where I didn't want him to get hit by a bus. Why am I having all these vivid dreams causing me to relive all the feelings I once had? About a week ago something in the house woke me up. That wasn't unusual. I frequently have anxiety at night and little things wake me up easily and I have a hard time calming down and getting back to sleep. This time when I woke up scared I was sure someone was breaking into my house. I was back on 2909 Taft St in Texas. Not only was someone going to break in but they were going to hurt me. I was a sitting duck just waiting for something terrible to happen. I started to have a panic attack and I couldn't breath or move. I was waiting for Brandy to start barking and scare the intruder away. She never did. It felt like I laid there for an eternity frozen and scared before reality finally started to sink in. I haven't lived on Taft St in 6 years. Brandy has been gone for 3 years. I'm in a safe house in a safe neighborhood and if anyone was trying to break in my dogs would be going crazy. I finally calmed down enough to move and when I did I felt Kiana sleeping next to me. Oh yeah! I have kids now!
This was something completely different than anything I had ever felt. It wasn't a dream. I was wide awake and my mind literally went back 6 years in time to the worst time of my life and I didn't know where I lived, didn't know I had kids, didn't know I was single now. It was terrifying. After the attempted rape I caught the guy who did it and he went to prison for 25 years since it was his third felony. His friends approached me afterwards and told me that they heard what I did to their friend. That one sentence instilled more fear in me than anything else I can think of. His friends knew I was responsible for putting him away. They knew where I lived and they lived right around the corner from me. They knew what I drove and they knew that I was left alone from 4 am until 9 am every morning while Chris was at PT and meetings. I never slept during those hours. I laid there waiting for his friends to break into my house. I waited for them to get their revenge. This time they wouldn't let me get away. They wouldn't let me live after doing what they wanted with me. They wouldn't give me the chance to call the cops and help put them in prison. I never slept while I lived in that house or that town. I still have a hard time sleeping.
I started thinking back on why I had this experience where I went back in time, the dreams I kept having where I relived fights I had with Chris, the anxiety and panic attacks I get when I go to a neighborhood that reminds of the hood, the stereotyping I do when I see people that remind me of the scum I lived amongst. Than it finally hit me that the psycho lady was right. These are the symptoms of PTSD. I have PTSD. It feels good to say that without any apologies. I have PTSD.
There doesn't seem to be one defining moment that caused it. It seems to be the whole 2 years that I lived in Texas that caused it. All the events, drama, and tragedy that took place in such a short period of time proved to be too much for my mind to take in. 90 % of the time I am 100% fine. This seems to be a pretty mild case. It doesn't prevent me from working, going out, making friends, or functioning in general. The anxiety attacks are pretty calm and almost no one sees it happen. I'm not really sure where I go from here but I think I'll be going up.
More recently I started having very vivid dreams reliving fights and feelings I had with Chris. I wake up angry, hateful and extremely hurt just like I did while I was with him. This is very frustrating because I've worked so hard to move on and forgive and get over it. I started to care for him and his welfare again. I finally got to the point where I didn't want him to get hit by a bus. Why am I having all these vivid dreams causing me to relive all the feelings I once had? About a week ago something in the house woke me up. That wasn't unusual. I frequently have anxiety at night and little things wake me up easily and I have a hard time calming down and getting back to sleep. This time when I woke up scared I was sure someone was breaking into my house. I was back on 2909 Taft St in Texas. Not only was someone going to break in but they were going to hurt me. I was a sitting duck just waiting for something terrible to happen. I started to have a panic attack and I couldn't breath or move. I was waiting for Brandy to start barking and scare the intruder away. She never did. It felt like I laid there for an eternity frozen and scared before reality finally started to sink in. I haven't lived on Taft St in 6 years. Brandy has been gone for 3 years. I'm in a safe house in a safe neighborhood and if anyone was trying to break in my dogs would be going crazy. I finally calmed down enough to move and when I did I felt Kiana sleeping next to me. Oh yeah! I have kids now!
This was something completely different than anything I had ever felt. It wasn't a dream. I was wide awake and my mind literally went back 6 years in time to the worst time of my life and I didn't know where I lived, didn't know I had kids, didn't know I was single now. It was terrifying. After the attempted rape I caught the guy who did it and he went to prison for 25 years since it was his third felony. His friends approached me afterwards and told me that they heard what I did to their friend. That one sentence instilled more fear in me than anything else I can think of. His friends knew I was responsible for putting him away. They knew where I lived and they lived right around the corner from me. They knew what I drove and they knew that I was left alone from 4 am until 9 am every morning while Chris was at PT and meetings. I never slept during those hours. I laid there waiting for his friends to break into my house. I waited for them to get their revenge. This time they wouldn't let me get away. They wouldn't let me live after doing what they wanted with me. They wouldn't give me the chance to call the cops and help put them in prison. I never slept while I lived in that house or that town. I still have a hard time sleeping.
I started thinking back on why I had this experience where I went back in time, the dreams I kept having where I relived fights I had with Chris, the anxiety and panic attacks I get when I go to a neighborhood that reminds of the hood, the stereotyping I do when I see people that remind me of the scum I lived amongst. Than it finally hit me that the psycho lady was right. These are the symptoms of PTSD. I have PTSD. It feels good to say that without any apologies. I have PTSD.
There doesn't seem to be one defining moment that caused it. It seems to be the whole 2 years that I lived in Texas that caused it. All the events, drama, and tragedy that took place in such a short period of time proved to be too much for my mind to take in. 90 % of the time I am 100% fine. This seems to be a pretty mild case. It doesn't prevent me from working, going out, making friends, or functioning in general. The anxiety attacks are pretty calm and almost no one sees it happen. I'm not really sure where I go from here but I think I'll be going up.
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