There Are Worse Things Than Being Single

I ran for the door to get out. I was furious! I can't believe he has the nerve to push me into a wall. I'm the one that should be mad. He was the one flirting with anything that had boobs. I was sitting right next to him and these girls are all up on him. Not only is he not stopping them but he's encouraging them! He pulled me back in the barracks room by my hair and slammed my head against the coffee table. Than he picked me up by my neck. I can't breathe, I can't even fight him. It's like fighting against a rock. He really is as solid as he looks. Just when I'm about to pass out he releases me. I fall to the ground coughing and in tears. I run for the door again, once again he pulls me back in by my hair and once again I feel my head being slammed into the wall, locker, table, anything he can find. It's clear I'm not going to leave his room tonight. We're in a building full of other soldiers and there's no way he's about to let anyone else see what he's done to me. I can't believe what he's done to me. I guess I should've seen the warning signs. I knew he was capable of being violent but I thought I was the exception to his anger. I thought I was the one person in his life who could make him less angry at the world. I didn't realize I was about to become the person he takes his anger for the world out on. I stopped struggling to get away, it was useless. The more I fought the more beatings I took. Once I had no more fight in me he finally calmed down. He told me to get in the shower and get a hold of myself. I did as he said. I sat in the tub and sobbed. When I finally pulled myself together and came out and looked in the mirror. My neck was covered in red strangulation bruises. I had a terrible headache. I decided to wait until he fell asleep and than leave for good. That's exactly what I should've done. Instead I came out of the bathroom and he had made up the bed for me. I laid down and he laid down next to me. He started to sob. I had never even seen him cry before. He kept saying "I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry." I believed him and I stayed. In fact I enjoyed it. He had never told me he was sorry before. He was always able to manipulate every situation and convince me and himself that he had done nothing wrong. For once he was admitting that he was wrong and that he was sorry. I was going to be the best girlfriend ever and stay by his side. This experience was going to make us stronger. He was going to know that even though he beat the hell outta me I still stayed next to him. I wasn't going to be like everyone else in his life and abandon him. I was going to save him and it felt great.
I started this blog to help myself get over the hurt. I was angry and bitter and I needed an outlet. This was my way of telling my family and friends what really went on. Keeping it a secret was eating me up. It worked. Typing my experiences was such a release for me. Every time I made a post I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders and I started to become happy. I haven't posted for a long time because I feel better now. I don't need the release as much. I'm posting this blog for all my new single friends. Many of you have been through hell and back. Many of you can relate to me and I can relate to you. If you're reading this I hope it helps you to realize that you're not alone. So many of us have lived through the abuse, humiliation, manipulation and embarrassment. If you take anything from this I hope it's that you can make it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can be happy alone. You can be happy without the abuser in your life. In fact being alone can make you the happiest you've ever been.
I thought that was the end of the abuse. It was only the beginning. It progressively became more and more frequent. He would apologize and I would believe him. One night he had beat me so bad that I thought I had finally reached my breaking point. After he had choked me out to the point of passing out and slammed my head into every hard object in the room I felt like I finally had it in me to leave. Once he calmed down the abuse didn't stop there. He told me I was no longer allowed to use the furniture or the kitchen. He went as far as to give me a spot in the spare room floor and tell me I had to sleep there from now on. I agreed with everything he said. I didn't put up a fight at all. I didn't argue with him because I knew I was going to leave in the morning after he went to work anyways. He was going to come home to an empty house and I would be on the road driving to who knows where. It didn't matter where I drove as long as I got away from him. After he went to work I started packing my belongings. I was past feeling by this point. Not only was he beating me but he was an emotional manipulator (I think all abusers are). He was cheating on me, he was controlling my every move, he was throwing me out of the house for every little thing. I literally kept my bags packed because I knew it was only a matter of time before he'd lose his temper and throw my belongings out and I would be forced to sleep in my car or go to a friends house. I had finally reached my limit. Right before I was about to get in my car and drive away for good he showed up. He showed up with a diamond necklace. He must've known I was fed up. He gave me the necklace and asked me to forgive him. Once again I believed him. Once again I stayed to be abused some more.
It became a regular occurrence in our home and every time I had to wear a turtle neck to cover the marks or take pain killers to get rid of the pounding headache. Every time he became less apologetic and more abusive. I can tell you from personal experience that the emotional abuse I experienced was just as hurtful and sometimes more hurtful than the physical abuse. The attempted suicide I talked about in a previous post was one of the most hurtful manipulative things I've been through. After the attempted rape I spoke of in my first two posts he had convinced me that I was not doing enough for him emotionally and that I was selfish for not thinking of how the robbery and molestation affected him. We stay in these relationships because the abusers are masters at manipulation, guilt, control and brain washing. They make you believe you'll never be happy without them, no one will want you, you aren't capable of being alone and you're lucky just to be in their presence. I can tell you that you can be happy alone, someone else will want you and you will be lucky to NOT be in their presence. You can raise your kids alone. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Please find that strength and know that there will be better days. There will be happy days. There truly are worse things than being single!