I looked in the mirror. I didn't recognize the girl looking back at me. Her eyes were red, hair full of knots and her neck was bruised. She was weak and vulnerable. She let men use her and take advantage of her. Her eyes were empty and dark. She looked completely broken. Surely this girl staring at me wasn't me. I'm stronger than she is. I have fight in me. I would never let a man put his hands on me, at least not more than once. I'm in the Army for crying out loud. I grew up with 5 older brothers that tormented me. In elementary school I was better than the boys at football and hand ball. I was tough. I played sports in high school and made all star in softball. I was in a co-ed weightlifting class that only consisted of one other girl besides myself. I was the only girl in my metals class. No one ever tried to fight me because they were sure I'd win. I was able to put up a good front. I made it through basic training without ever crying and without ever taking a sick day. So who was this girl all red eyed staring at me?
I finally got all the knots out of my hair. I washed my face and tried to get rid of the redness. I just want to go lay down and pretend this night never happened. Maybe I can dream about something nice. Sleep was a good escape. Of course that depended on what I dreamed I suppose. I laid down on the very edge of the bed. I would like to sleep on the couch by myself but than Chris will give me the guilt trip and I'm just not in the mood to hear it. I'm surprised he's not in our room getting ready to tuck me in. After nights like this he usually tries to be all nice and make me forget about everything that just happened. I never forget though. I don't care what's taking him so long to get into bed. I just want to sleep. After about 20 minutes I hear a loud bang in the bathroom. Something fell but I don't know what. I get up to see what happened and the door is locked. I start knocking and asking what's going on. He won't answer. I look up and see the end of a leather belt hanging from the top of the door. It's been shut into the door. Suddenly it dawns on me. Chris must be hanging from the other side. Don't ask me how I knew. Most people wouldn't assume that at all but somehow, someway... I knew. I started banging on the door demanding a response and of course I get nothing. I threw my shoulder in the door several times and to my surprise it actually breaks down. Sure enough Chris falls to the ground with the other end of the belt around his neck. He's gasping for air and completely naked. It was like a scene from a movie. I rush over to him, take the belt off from around his neck and get him ready for bed. He must have climbed onto the shelf and than stepped off of it knocking things down in the process. We didn't speak a single word to each other. We just went to bed in silence.
The next morning we both had the day off. We were completely silent for half the day. I made him breakfast and watched him play video games. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I asked "what happened last night?" "What do you mean?" he said. "Don't you remember anything?" I reply. He tells me he took his meds and he was drinking so he as no idea what went on. Great he's using the stupid meds excuse. I have no idea if these meds make him forget anything at all or if it's just a convenient excuse. "Was it bad?" I tell him he got physical again and than I tell him he tried to hang himself in the bathroom. He still claims he has no idea what I'm talking about. I wish he could at least thank me for breaking down the door and saving his life. I honestly should have let him hang. What does it take to get some appreciation from him? I know I sound so selfish. I should be more concerned with why he would do something like that. I shouldn't be worried about myself right now. I can't help it though. I want something from him.... anything! I get nothing. He acts annoyed with me for trying to talk about it so I never bring it up again.
I still don't know what his motives were. Was this some sick form of manipulation? Was it a way to make me forget about what he had just done to me and put the attention on him? He's playing mind games with me, I know it. Doesn't he care at all what this sort of thing will do to a person? This was a way for him to remind me that his life was so much worse than mine. He always had to have it worse, always. What if I hadn't come? Would he really risk hanging just to mess with my mind? Is he that desperate to make me feel sorry for him, instead of myself?... Maybe he really wanted to kill himself. Maybe the meds and alcohol made him do things beyond his control. Maybe he really didn't remember anything that happened. Maybe I'll burn in hell because I hate him for putting me through that. I hate the manipulation! Why did I save him? I did it because I still loved him. No matter what he did to me I still loved him.
Have you ever seen or prevented a suicide? How did it affect you? As an outsider looking in what do think the motives were? I know this is very personal and I completely understand if no one wants to share. If you do have some input I would love to hear it. Thanks for reading.
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